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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Don't worry, I'm just adjusting . . . and practicing honesty. :)

I can see how people become alcoholics.

This is my 6th day in my new location. New home. New job. New environment.

Barely a town to around worth exploring.

No friends.  No tv.

No shopping.

No new fiction to read.

No lover.

Just a cat.

Yep.  I can see how someone could turn to drinking. 

However, that’s not an option for me. My body just doesn’t tolerate alcohol. Never has.

So, I have to find some other way to bridge this gap.  The gap?  You know, that time between endings and new beginnings.

We all have them. The end of a relationship. The end of a job. The end of life for a loved one.

So many times I haven’t noticed the gap because it’s been so full of drama, or cleaning up from the end, or the distractions created from the freedoms of the end that I’m into the new beginning before I’ve had a chance to even recognize what existed past the end.

But this time I put myself in the gap on purpose.  Away from anything familiar so I could feel the ends and choose my beginnings, instead of falling into them as I am so capable of doing.

Right now it feels sad.  And lonely.  And, maybe a bit foolish. 

I chose this. I created this.  I could have chosen to be conveniently comfortable. I could be lunching with friends, or watching an old tv sitcom episode for the 60th time right now.

But instead, I’ve detached from every familiar and barely --- or less than --- satisfactory thing in my life. I’ve detached from every experience and memory that has made me what I think I am, but that I know that I’m not.

I’m not the divorced woman in church.  I’m not the corporate employee banking on my job to secure my future. I’m not so many other things that I’ve been labeled that I’ve had to keep secret.

I’m free.

I’m free to decide what I choose to be instead of living what I am or am not based on my past.

It’s a beginning. 

And it’s scary as hell.